I think I was pretty much bummed on most things, but in all reality, I’d trade the shit I feel now for the shit I felt then. Even though my friends are better people than my old friends, and even though I am a lot stronger mentally now than I was, I’d do almost anything to do that. I’m distancing myself from the people who I love the most, out of fear that I will do something to fuck up friendships. I already lost one friend in particular because of this. Is it a regret? I can’t 100% say for sure. But I am sure than in the end I will wish I didn’t push her away. I’m not able to express how I feel about things, nor am I able to even open up to people, no matter who it is. I am destroying myself on the inside. Never feeling productive. I haven’t been able to eat. Last night was the first time I’d ate since Thursday. and even then I wanted to puke. It’s literally just a constant feeling anymore..

If I could walk away from it all, and just move, or even just disappear, I’d be happy. I’m sorry to all of my friends I have pushed away. I’m sorry Ellie. Honestly, without you I wouldn’t be here. The result of things isn’t cool, but it is what it is and in the end it is my doing. I wish I could just go back to like 2010. Because even though it wasn’t too long ago, it was the start of a good period in my life…

Sorry to anyone who wasted their time reading this. Just needed to say something.

(Source: victoryindefeat)

pull the trigger…